February 13th 2026

We went to a Butch/Femme slowdance night for Valentine's Day. It was very sweet and the dinner we got before was delicious. The night did not end the way I expected.

Am I making it harder to love me?

February 12th 2026

I am on day four of not smoking weed. I feel really good about it this time around. I feel really excited about being vulnerable with people and not panicking about it later because I got high. I'd love to get to a place where I can smoke occasionally and enjoy it rather than freaking the fuck out.

February 11th 2026

My mission to increase my caffeine intake in pursuit of enough energy to do all that I want is backfiring. I sleep so much longer. However, I think that might be related to not smoking weed too. I didn't smoke the last 2 nights and I feel ready to stop entirely. I hope it sticks. I am done with another expensive habit that is taking my time away from that which I want to accomplish.

Our internet service has been absolutely terrible this week. Horrible. It's driving me wild. Fios: go fuck yourself.

February 10th 2026

I desperately need a place to hire Beth. A good place. An exciting place. This is starting to really drag down everything.

February 9th 2026

Beth had a friend come to town this weekend so I let myself get drunk like I used to. It fucking hurts. I don't have these kinds of hangovers in me anymore. It was a good time, though.

I've spent way too much money this week on hair and utilities and strap-on harnesses. Trying to feel nonchalant about it. It's just tough when people owe me a lot of money. It's okay. I know my next couple weeks will balance out eventually.

February 6th 2026

I had a lovely night with Beth on Wednesday and got my hair done on Thursday. Now it is Friday and I slept in by accident. My bed is incredibly comfortable and it was one of those mornings where the duvet felt fluffier and warmer than ever. Thankfully, no one else is in the office so they won't notice my delay. The cold has been making it hard to work at a pace I can feel proud of. I end up working in bed most of the day to avoid my feet touching the cold ground. I should start going to a cafe.

P.S.

Thought my roommate changed the HVAC air filter. That did not happen. Told the building the HVAC was making a weird noise because it was LOUD and I was worried about it with the weather. Guy came out -> filter not changed -> he changes it -> building charges us 200 since it was our fault. I feel dumb and am out 200 dollars and cried about it. 2/4 of the people in my apartment are unemployed. I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 4th 2026

In some ways, my mother only cares if I am sick like her. Any evidence that I might not be is a slight against her. In the land of my mother, we are all sick--poisoned and wasting away--and that is what makes her world make sense. I do not want to be sick!

February! 2nd 2026

Thank god January has passed. What a terrible abyss of gray we call a month.

I had a really lovely weekend. I finished my first book of 2026 and reignited my excitement for reading. It was Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? By Jeanette Winterson. It's one of those books about books that makes me long for a version of myself I often feel I lost around 16. As the true cliché I am, I blame social media.

I plan to research and read everything she references in the book.

I finally repaired the holes in 3 articles of clothing and it felt good to sew something basic. One of the shirts is nearing 19 years old. I've had it for so long and it felt wonderful to wear it again after repairing it. We listened to CDs while I did that and Beth played an old arcade game on her switch. The original Donkey Kong is incredibly difficult. Later, we went bowling for Kate's birthday. It was cold but pleasant. Kate has a sweet way of showing affection.

On Sunday, I flaked on too many plans to lay in bed reading and underlining. I'm not bothered by it but I feel like I should be. Beth and I watched 10 minutes of Pulp Fiction before I decided I really was not into it. We switched to If I Had Legs I'd Kick You and it was really intriguing. I could really see the impact of the choices made with the camera and dialogue and it was stimulating, nerve-wracking, and exciting. I decided I really liked it.

January isn't so bad when you decide to lean in. I'm happiest when I am learning.

January 30