June 22nd 2026

The week had some weird points. Acquaintance from my dream may have avoided me in the bar.

I think Dawn dish soap ripped my nail off yesterday. I applied to a creative writing certificate program. My washer is broken and they haven't sent someone to fix it yet. I need to water my plants and do my midday yoga. I have been slacking at my job.

I'll start with the creative writing certificate program and then move onto a non-degree graduate group program for history or comp lit. I love to learn and it will satisfy me while I save for my online MLIS.

3:57 pm

Midday yoga is done. I have been more productive at my job... likely helped by the presence of a friend who is studying. I should go work in cafes more often but I love getting housework done during work so I always end up staying inside.

I made a pillow over the weekend and I am quite pleased with it. I hope to make another one soon, some paper crafts, and a bag.

June 18 2026

She keeps kissing me intensely before leaving for work but then there is nothing for the whole rest of the day. Don't I arouse anything in her? She has made a couple subtle references to her enjoyment of being open. I just still don't understand.

June 17 2026

I have this hilarious problem where I want to allow myself to dream about getting published but the idea of having to be a "figure" who markets myself to market a book is horrifying. I have a terrible internet footprint from terrible choices I made at 18 and I can't ever let myself live. I want to be able to dream of authorial success without that weighing on me. Coupled with my tendency to severe and immense paranoia.... it's too much.

June 16 2026

I really love The Cranberries. Their first 4 albums are on constant rotation for me. I really love Bury The Hatchet.

June 13 2026

I had a lovely weekend but I feel myself flirting with self-destruction again. I think I can learn to allow myself a bit of mess and risk without catastrophizing (is that not a word? it should be). I do feel like I am strengthening certain friendships that warm my heart and push me to be a version of myself I like more.

I injured my left knee from weightlifting wrong and now I have to modify my workout routine. I hate it.

I am back to sewing a bit more. I like it! I like clothes!

Also, I bought a tabletop dishwasher off of fb marketplace. This is a BIIIIIIG deal. Huge deal.

June 12 2026

I feel like it is all barely holding together. I feel wrung out.

Sometimes I feel like she needs to be convinced to just leave. Go to Boston with her brothers and try over. I don't know. She doesn't know what she wants so I don't know what to offer.

June 11 2026

I don't think this pattern of once a month or once every two months is enough for me. I feel like I've tried everything to fix it. I've bought books and toys and outfits and planned times and been spontaneous and sent texts. I'm sad.

June 7 2026

Another weekend.... another morning of dread! I am an annoying drunk. In other news, I feel a lot better on other topics. Just needed to makeout with B on the dancefloor! Thank god for B.

June 5 2026

I am really trying to make a better effort of turning my obsessive thoughts into fiction writing. I want to try to take them to their most extreme conclusion rife with the absurdity. I got 2 pages in last night which is better than most nights. Whenever I get sick I am made incredibly depressed. I feel like dog shit.

June 4 2026

I feel restless and sick and like everything around me is dirty. I want cleaner air. I want to go camping.

June 3 2026

Feeling very sexual and also very ugly. It is disorienting.