May 29 2026

I'm just really tired. Men of every kind are babied by the whole world. I am a support for so many people and I don't feel like I am supported by any.

Any time someone asks me how I'm doing I vomit my stress at their feet. It's okay though because it is an objectively understood stress. The stress of moving. It does not require any real sympathy and feels almost like gossip because I have roommates. That being said, I am crazy right now.

May 28 2026

I am running around like crazy! I have listed 6 things on FB Marketplace today and scheduled over 7 tours for the week. I think it'll all pan out but this year is very incredibly expensive. I cannot be frivolous at all. Frugal season is upon me. I think selling most of my apartment off will help as long as people want it!

May 26 2026

I have not been doing a great job at writing for each day. I finished my first full sewing project yesterday. I may add a button for decoration and to hide a slight mistake. The hems look pretty good otherwise. I am quite proud of it. I think I will make more of this style of shirt for myself. I may try to make a mini skirt too.

I have learned that my landlord will not extend my lease! Time to move and go to Spain in the same 4 weeks. Time to spend the summer penny-pinching. My chest feels tight and I am dizzy.

May 21st 2026

It is 12:49 am and I am still awake. I just finished Severance by Ling Ma and I am full of many feelings. I think I liked it. I really liked the way in which nostalgia, home, and routine becomes a source of the fever without being incredibly scientific about it.

I think I made a friend with someone in my office which is a step in the right direction. I am surrounded by friends but am always incredibly insecure about my role in their lives. Inconsequential. The doom of the neglected and unwanted child still inside.

I don't think I can sleep now but it might be because I am not trying to. Full of feelings.

May 20th 2026

My complaint is getting me a full refund! Yay! I don't have much to say this week. I've been very busy and stressed out. I did find out that all the young people in my office have a group chat that I am distinctly excluded from. That has me feeling a bit annoyed and inadequate.

May 18th 2026

Long weekend! I got duped by a dropshipper on Depop. I am very upset about this!! Filing complaint as we speak/type.

May 13 2026

I've been having a hard time shaving my legs because the skin is so sensitive. No amount of cream or oil or foam seems to be enough. I am a bit ashamed that I ever went back to shaving but I have such thick body hair that as I gained muscle it became a balancing act of body dysphoria that is too hard to navigate. Being raised female is a torture chamber. I am not prepared for dressing in the warm weather still but I struggle daily with allowing myself to buy certain things. When I get paid this Friday, I will let myself do a bit of shopping on Depop. I really need new sneakers and running sneakers.

I am getting overtime this Saturday but it is all a farce because I really don't have a lot of work this week in general. I'm reading and cleaning. Maybe I will finish my sewing projects.

There's a lot of things going wrong with my body at the moment but I am trying to muscle through. I have swelling piercings, growing bunions, outdated eye prescription, suspected sleep apnea, eczema. I'm so tired of it all already.

I made cold brew for the first time and it was a success! It is incredibly easy to do! Yay! Also, in a strange turn of events, playing Sims 4 has been a bit inspiring writing wise.

As much as it pains me to watch my savings go down, I made myself pay another student loan in full. I just need to get ahead of the changing payment plans and piling interest if I am to ever get my MLIS. It won't bring the total balance down too much but it's still better to have less total loans out.

May 12 2026

A little over 2 years ago I lost my mind and tried to blow up my life. The person who was the main subject of that before rejecting me was just seen on Hinge by a friend. Everything about that time was so nauseating, embarrassing, and insane. I feel dizzy. I was having a massive identity crisis. What is she doing on Hinge!?

May 11 2026

I was incredibly hungover yesterday morning. Eventually I rallied and painted some tables I needed to redo. I listened to a lot of episodes of Throughline. I really love that podcast! I always learn so much. I did some chores and then stayed up until 3 am watching several random romantic comedies. I am now on day 3 of this venture. I don't really like them but I think I'm interested. I am so confused by straight women who like these, though. Beth will finally be home tonight. I hope she missed me.

5 minutes into the movie adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love and I feel like an open wound.

May 10 2026

I love my friends and I hate anxiety and I love Beth so much. I get nervous because I feel a need to talk candidly about the normal issues a couple has after 7 years but I don't want anyone to think Beth and I should not be together. I love her too deeply and I think it stops me from having productive and cathartic spaces to discuss extremely normal issues for any relationship. Every one should only think Beth and I are soulmates because we are.

May 8th 2026

I'm feeling more relaxed. It is obvious and comforting that I can feel anger in my body dissipate after I exercise. I have not taken to writing much about it here but I do love to workout 3-7 times a week alongside taking longs walks. Last weekend, I pushed my friends into a 4 mile walk with me. I would love to go hiking soon though my hiking boots no longer fit my current shoe size. Maybe I can take another long walk this weekend. I am debating leaving work early to check out an Oddities store and would love to see a movie tonight as well. Beth is out of town for the weekend so I am left to my own devices. I hate when she leaves but we had a moment of tender rest this morning that made me feel full of love so I will be okay. I can at least eat leftovers without worrying that she needs more food.

May 6th 2026

Today is one of those days. I think the allure of nostalgia comes from the fear of not knowing what comes next. It is safer to want for a time prior. It might buy you some time before the unknown events happen. Where are we all going from here? What is next? I just hope I have some more years of walking around the city and experiencing art, running into people I know, dancing at nightclubs, and gossiping. I had a moment the other day where I was so incredibly tired of talking about celebrities. The same 25 people over and over and over again. I think gossip is valuable because it reminds us that the people in our immediate community are worth talking about. That might be silly but in this time of near-constant celebrity obsession it is not silly to me. I need to remember to drink water. I need to work hard but there isn't a lot of work for me to do right now. I need to calm down.

May 4th 2026

I was sad often this weekend. I saw many of my friends but I still felt incredibly lonely. I felt a harshness and it was not nice.

May 1st 2026

May. May May May. I always have a warm tender heart for the month of May. I hope this month comes as sweetly.

Another day alone in the office. I have coworkers who do not say Hi or even look at me. I cannot make friends. I can't believe I'm 27. I feel like an alien on Earth today.